Embarrassing

I have received the celebrated and coveted Oh My Blog award.

Of course, there are conditions attached. The one that seemed achievable for me is telling an embarrassing tale.

As you may guess, I have many. I have said more than once that "freak magnet" must be sparking off of my aura because that is what I attract. Maybe freak is harsh. Let's call them INTERESTING.

Examples:

• The guy who, out of dozens of cars on the freeway, chose me to drive next to and show me his wiener while he was MASTURBATING! Umm, yeah. I won a prize telling that story on a local radio show.
• The guy who followed me around several tag sales (a street was having a neighborhood collaboration) and at the third sale, sidled up to me while I was checking out a couple of event pompoms stating, "I bet you have a nice cheerleading outfit at home you should try on for me." Aaaah! I won another prize from the same radio station telling that story as well.
• How about the guy that pinched my nipples at a club stating, "Oh! Look how the little rascals like me"!
• And who can forget the guy on a city bus that showed my daughter and I how his shirt pulled on his underarm hairs and how much that bothered him.
• This one isn't that creepy, but I found it interesting because I do believe he was walking to his car after a Promise Keepers rally. He was walking behind me as we walked to our cars (I was going home after work) and as he passed me he whispered in my ear, "I bet your husband is a happy man."

I guess these aren't as embarrassing as they are INTERESTING; to me anyway. :P

I have to say though, that the memory that really sprang into my mind when I thought about the most embarrassing moment is the time I was exiting a city bus.

I had on a summer skirt that wrapped around and fastened in the front with two ties. The skirt was longish and as I stepped down the bus steps, the hem of my skirt brushed on the step above me.

A woman behind me accidentally stepped on my hem and as I walked away my skirt was totally RIPPED OFF OF ME. On a downtown Minneapolis corner. At 8:00 in the morning.

There I stood for a brief second in my pink and white lacies. Oh dear god, I am turning red just remembering this. I grabbed up my skirt, tucked it around me as effectively as I could, and walked with head down quickly quickly to my office.

I was never so happy to get to work and find a safety pin.

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The Riviera Maya

This is a shot from my PHONE because I, somehow, brought the wrong charging cord. Rats and Cats!

It was a fantastic vacation. I am still reeling from it in a way.

I have discovered that I love to travel, but I'm like a drunken sailor for days afterward. Or am I like this all the time and only notice when I'm groggy? Ha!

There is something about being someplace so incredibly beautiful that is puzzling to me.

Everywhere we looked on this vacation was a feast of beauty. To the saturation point. Like your eyes couldn't believe it was this lovely. Lush, exotic, sensual. Just looking would give you a lovelygasm. Over and over and over until you had to shut your eyes.

I think I could live in Mexico.

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It Was Heaven, but the Wi-Fi Wasn't

Oh!

Vacations are awesome, but it is always sooooo good to get home.

I've been flying all day and am now wired for sound at 1:11 in the morning. Who knows when I'll simmer down.

I just drank a large glass of milk and while waiting for it to work its magic, I'll read my blogs and see what ya'll have been up to.

Yay!

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Is There Wi-Fi in Heaven?

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Packing for a Trip

Dream Packing

How I Really Do It

Distracted. I just discovered Pandora radio. How do I get around on a daily basis anyway? How am I so late to so many parties? I KNOW that my daughter Lorenzo has told me about Pandora SEVERAL times.

So, if I can figure it out, I am going to be able to listen to Pandora on my Blackberry while on vacay. I do sometimes get sick of my iPod selections. After all, I only have zillions of songs to listen to on that damn thing. Why do I hit skip skip skip when it's on?

So, packing for a trip.

I have clothes on a roller bar in the bedroom. Chuck full of shit. Shoes laying all over. Trying to cull it down to a weeks worth of loveliness. I'll get there and have NOTHING to wear which is okay. We'll be in our swimsuits mostly anyway right? Who needs clothes at night? It's dark. We'll do naked dining. Is this wrong?

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Working in the Garden

Don't mind if I do.

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Ironman 2

This simply struck me funny. And I know a few select places that cone could go, but I won't go all salacious on anyone's ass. So to speak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw Iron Man 2 an hour or so ago. Loved it! When I bought print at my last job one of my vendors could NOT believe I thought Robert Downey Jr. was hot.
He is smokin' in this movie. Lots of candy for Pup too.

And Mickey Rourke, you are the MAN!

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Hot Men Friday

I have a crush.

Yes, I'm fully aware of the man-boobs.

Yes, his hair looks like a toilet brush after too much cleaning-lady usage.

Yes, I want him to discipline me.

Is this wrong?

Deborah, you look great, but quite frankly it wasn't your ass that reminded me of two puppies in a pillowcase, but your voice.

Ha!

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Let's Be Clear - Or Not

Something is happening.

I don't know what it is. It could simply be finals. It could be because I'm preparing for a vacation. It could simply be over-introspection.

Several irons in the fire as they say. Many things to think about. I'm trying to actually focus on them rather than pushing them out with avoidance.

Could that be a light way down there? Really? If I squint I can see it.

~~~~~~~~

I have a group of online buds I've hung out with for, can it be, closing in on 10 years? The core group that is going on now I've been hanging with for over five to be sure.

An AWESOME group of women btw. Each one more different than the last. I can't even describe to you how different these women, (girls? ladies? guys? I don't like any of these descriptors) scrap that, friends are. We live all over the place. Literally. We are all at different places in our lives.

Yet there is this core of similarities. This bedrock of belief that keeps us with each other. I love it and find it fascinating.

So - at that place - there has been much talk about manifesting.

Here is a dictionary.com definition of manifest:

manifest late 14c., "clearly revealed," from L. manifestus "caught in the act, plainly apprehensible, clear, evident," from manus "hand" (see manual) + -festus "struck" (cf. second element of infest). The noun sense of "ship's cargo" is from 1706. The verb sense of "to show plainly" is late 14c., from L. manifestare .

Broken down to the simplest idea (that I am understanding) is that you must see it to be it. See it to have it. See it to touch it.

I do believe this conversation may have been what is sparking me.

Right now I'm hanging on to the side of the car while climbing up to the peak. I know at the top I'll see down and all the scary shit that is in front of me.

Oooooo, I hate rollercoasters! Sometimes you just have to get on and hang on.

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Got Me Thinking

Religulous

Sicko

I'm late to the party of both of these. There are countless googles out there talking about each; pro and con.

W

Add the trifecta of Pup and I watching Oliver Stone's W last night and you can see that I have had a weekend full of head-scratching.

Yes yes yes - I've heard all the rantings about Bill Maher, Michael Moore, and, for that matter, Oliver Stone.

But these three movies sure have stuck in my brain for the past few days. I don't know if I am full of despair or full of shit but these have me thinking and I am damn glad for that. It's what keeps the pencil sharp. Especially when a few cards have fallen out of my deck.

Anyone see any of these movies? What is the consensus?

Funniest scene to me. In Religulous Bill Maher is having a sit and pick with Mohamed Junas Gaffar of the Taiban Mosque in Amsterdam. During the chat the the tune "Kashmir" (yes, Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir) starts ringing out of Mr. Gaffar's mobile phone. I thought I would pee myself I was laughing so hard.

Da da da - da da da - da da da - da da da

Brilliant!

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Sunday

It is 28 degrees.

Said for no particular reason except this is why Minnesotans many times have that wild look. Why they drive like shit. Why they are passive-aggressive (oh for cryin' out loud ya'll know it's true). Why the entire state is bi-polar.

28 degrees. In March it was hitting the 60s on a regular basis.

Oh well, who gives a George-bomb anyway?

So no outdoor bbq as planned I'm guessing.

I may just be a little cranky. Okay . . . more than a little.

Had a final yesterday. Nearly made me throw up! Arg!

geez, I hate this photo

Okay - here's something that made me happy earlier in the week. My new clothesline. I begged and got one. One we can both live with. It pulls out (that's what they SAY they'll do - ha!) and folds up and goes up. Nice.

But - have you slept on sheets that have been dried in the sun? Heavenly people.

Drink for me today. I might.

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Hot Men Friday

Scott McGillivray from Income Property

Nothing like a man with a toolbelt to get things going this Friday morning.

I'm hooked on this show as well. Pup wants me to write the show and get them to consider us. That's how badly he wants a man-den in our cave basement.

I said, "Pup, we don't need a rental suite though."

He said, "Can't we pretend"?

"I think they would want to put in a kitchen."

"Wouldn't you LOVE a second kitchen"?

"Why would I love that"?

blank stare

Pup's living room before me - lovely, but too many recliners!

Ha! Seriously - he would do ANYTHING to get that white marshmallow couch back together along with its four recliners. He misses that couch like a baby misses his momma.

I feel it would be dangerous to have toolbelted men running around the house. I get fantasies you know.

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Overheard

At the Twins' game yesterday.

Vince is with us man. He's not out of control; you're out of control. Yeah - he's fine. Security isn't looking for him. We're in section 15. Right behind home plate. If you can't find that then go home.

Nothing hotter than a man with a bowl haircut wearing a camo fatigue-like jacket that has had a few too many BEERS MAN!

I hollered down to him, "Dude, John Denver called and wants his haircut back."

See how clever I am? What? That joke is as old as Jay Leno's latest White House appearance? Aaaah - I'll do better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We swept the Tigers in this third game, a 5-4 victory. We have not lost a series yet. The new home stadium is working its magic.

The stadium is beautiful. It was a seriously cold-ass day though. We dressed in layers and brought along our Twins' blanket that Momma Betty made for Pup a few years back.

I had on a Cuddl Dud, a Denard Span t-shirt, a Twins hoodie, a Twins fleece pullover, and a pair of red leather gloves. And the blanket. I sat with the hood up most of the game. The temp hovered around 52! Brrrrrr! We've spent 28 years playing indoor baseball so NO ONE was bitching about the cold.

We have GREAT seats. Right behind home plate. We're sharing a season ticket with a bunch of other people so we get many more games in this awesome spot.

Our blankee - thanks Momma Betty!

There are warmers on the concourse if you're really freezing. There were COFFEE venders even! Aaaah it was a great baseball day. I wore more Twins gear today that I've ever worn to a game. I don't think I've EVER worn the fleece actually to a game. I was a Twins dork from head to toe.

OH MY GOD I LOVE BASEBALL!

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Laugh Out Loud

Come visit me today! I'm a guest comedian on the fabulous and funny site Laugh Out Loud.

I'm excited to be one of the lineup.


So I'm going to kick back and drink my coffee (COFFEE!) and think about the Twins game I'm going to today!

Go Twins!

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Thrifting a Go-Go

Was I supposed to be studying and working on my PowerPoint presentation? YES! Did I sneak out under the guise of "errands" and hop in the local Arc for just 20 minutes? YES!

All work and no play (I really am such a good liar) makes . . . never mind.

Covered in dirt and begging to come home with me and get filled with olives, lemons, limes, and all other drink attendants I can think of.

Totally reminded me of my Momma. Which my youngest, the lovely and smart Lorenzo, while gazing at a new addition in my living room, told me the things I do so remind her of Nana.

I promptly told her I didn't know if I should be horrified or flattered. You know how it is with our momma's. We love them yet we want to be totally different. I'm here to tell you different probably doesn't happen. :)

This made it into my Room of Randomness. Otherwise known as the guest bedroom. Somehow it has become walled with original art I've collected haphazardly. It makes me kinda sad when I run across original art at thrift stores. Someone painted this! Yeah, it's a weird thing to worry about in the big world of "things I could worry about." I am grateful I don't feel sad for all stuffed animals. Now that would be scary.

Awesome crossbody bag awesomeness! So cute! I claimed it.

Aaaaah I wanted this so bad, old cigarette ashes and all. I resisted it's ugly charm. Looking at it right now I'm rethinking. Look at that color! I am unhelpable I'm afraid.

I'm not even certain what this is, but it held my interest for several minutes. People were trying to peer over my shoulder to see what the heck. Ever notice when you're out shopping that if you pause to really check something out soon there are others trying to see what is capturing your laser-sharp notice? I attract people like dust onto something sticky.

Daisy's! Again, I resisted. I'm doing really well in rehab btw. On another note, doesn't my thumb look totally rehabilitated? Just look what prison can do.

Look at this! Not the fabric, but the shape. Oooooh I want a girl-den. Full of butt-ugly stuff that I love.

A great day in thrift-land!

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Sock Monkey Madness

Indulgence

I don't really know why this tickled my nickle, but what better way to shop for shoes than by wearing comfy sock monkey slippers and drinking coffee? Bliss!

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People

image courtesy of nataliedee.com

Reprinted from CityPages.com

Jacoby Smith beat up quadruple amputee girlfriend in self-defense

Jacoby Laquan Smith says he will turn himself in to St. Paul police this week for what must be the most unmanly crime on record: domestically abusing his armless, legless girlfriend.

Smith allegedly punched Tiesha Bell in the face 10 times during the March 22 incident and faces a misdemeanor fifth degree assault charge and a gross misdemeanor for interfering with a 911 call.

Bell was in no position to defend herself, being that both hands and both legs were amputated due to a childhood illness. But Smith says don't let that fool you--Bell is like a handless, legless Ultimate Fighter.

"She'll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs," Smith told the Pioneer Press.

Smith said that prior to the domestic dispute, Bell was cheating on him.

That's right, Smith was being cuckolded by a quadruple amputee. That can't be good for the self-esteem.

He turned on the TV and Bell got mad, he says. She punched him in the groin with her deadly nub and then proceeded to dowse him in urine from a bed pan.

Yes, after being cuckolded by the quadruple amputee, she gave him a golden shower.

So you see, your honor, Smith punched the quadruple amputee in self-defense. He rests his case.

(By the way, Bell still plans to marry him. "We both need anger management," she said.)

~~~~~~~~~

I'm in Mad Jack's this afternoon, having some tea and a few deep fried cheese curds when I start howling with laughter while reading The City Pages.

I was laughing so hard that the server came over to see if she had to choke me with her non-nubs.

The woman choked the dude with her nubbins Your Honor! Then she drenched him in less-than-holy water. Surely she should be punished!

Oh dear god, people are the best. How can you ever ever be bored in a world such as ours?

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